(Search & Sitemap)
> Writing >
Satire >
Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
Skip Back
Previous
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
Next
Skip Forward
Printer-Friendly Version
Sore Loser, n. A very poor sport whom I will only play if he is the only one I can beat.
Sound Bite, n. In contemporary life, the basis for public miscourse and the illusion of thought.
Source Criticism, n. The proper scholarly response to texts that are clearly the result of incompetent editors attempting to interweave entirely distinct sources, as evidenced by the fact that the texts are not written according to the standards that a modern scholar would use.
Sovereignty Association, n. All of the benefits of being a part of Canada combined with none of the costs.
SPA, n. Software Publisher's Association. An association of software publishers which seeks to stamp out the problem of software piracy by the use of intimidation, and coercion when people do not surrender, to extract ransoms from anyone unfortunate enough to cross their waters.
Speed Limit, n. A maximum speed, assigned by laws which prohibit cars from moving more than ten miles per hour less than the average road speed in the country, or faster than ten times the average road speed in the city.
Spherical, adj. Appropriate for consideration in physics calculations.
Splinter, n. A small fragment of wood, which often manages to work its way into the hand. A splinter in the thumb has never been popular, but nothing matches the swiftness of a person trying to deal with the true sting caused by a splinter in the eye.
Once upon a time, a man came to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, wherever I go, whatever I look at, all I can see or think of is sex, sex, sex. Can you tell me what's going on?"
"I think so, but I'd like to run a few ink blot tests first. I'm going to hold up some sheets of paper with colored spots, and I want you to tell me what you see.
Walking over to a shelf, he pulled a binder, and, opening it, began to hold up sheets of paper.
"What's this a picture of?"
"Sex."
"Ok, what's this a picture of?"
"Sex."
"What about this one?"
"Sex."
"Can you explain how?"
"Yes. Right here, you can see that the..."
Thirty, forty, fifty ink blots. Always the same response -- "Sex.", "Sex.", "Sex."
Setting down the binder, the psychiatrist opened his desk drawer, and pulled out two sheets of paper from there -- one 8 1/2 x 11" blue lined sheet of notebook paper, and one blank 8 1/2 x 11" sheet of typing paper.
"All right. Those images are somewhat old, and perhaps all look more or less the same. I want you to clear your mind of all thought, and then I'm going to hold up two more sheets of paper, different from any of the ones before. Could you please tell me what you see?"
The psychiatrist, with one swift motion, lifted both sheets off the desk, holding them up in the air for the patient to see.
"They are both graphic sexual images, like all the rest."
Even after profesional training, the psychiatrist was somewhat taken aback; he wasn't expecting that reaction. Caught off guard, he said, "Well, um, I see. You do seem to have a one track mind."
"Hey, Doc! You're the one who's drawing all of the dirty pictures."
Standard, n. Any one of a number of officially endorsed options, enabling the individual a wide variety of options.
Statistician, n. A skilled advertiser with at least a BS in mathematics.
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.
-Mark Twain
Statue of Liberty, n. An immense and awe inspiring statue, a powerful symbol of all that is American, beautiful but hollow. The Statue boldly proclaims the magnificent words, "Give me your tired, your hungry, your poor, your wretched masses yearning to be free," and stands over Ellis Island, the site of immigration offices which, at a time which is seeing a growing gap between rich and poor and (quite possibly) seen more large scale genocides than the rest of history, enforces strict maximum quotas on the number of immigrants who are permitted to enter the country.
Stupidity, n. See Drive-Thru Liquor Store.
Subliminal Message, n. William H. Everston's new theory, helping/enabling commercial organizations' ugly new traps. Richard Y. Inglenook stopped this hideous, rastifarian outrage. What next? In no trick observed, children have acted or served, potentially, as truly rational. Inglenook observes that idiots seldom muse. It should be obvious right now.
Subtlety, n. [obs.] An attribute of good writing, where the meaning is not immediately obvious, requiring thought to understand.
Suggestion Box, n. An unusual garden set up by administrators. They till the soil, spreading an ample amount of fertilizer, and then allow others to come and plant whatever seed best expresses their sentiments. The administrators then come, weeding out those plants which are troublesome, and nourishing and exhibiting those which are compatible with the administrators' goals and plans.
Suntan, n. A precursor to wrinkles and melanomas, deemed to be highly attractive by a culture whose models of beauty are almost never born with dark skin.
Supercomputer, n. A computer which is a few years behind the needs of industry and research, combining the latest in hardware with the most primitive of software.
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
-Steve Feiner
Symbol, n. A forgotten art which once represented most of Christian thought.
Systematic Theology, n. The mark of the Enlightenment on Christianity, where God is expected to bow down and worship the human mind. A part of wisdom frequently mistaken for the whole.
Ritualism, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.
With all due respect, Ambrose Bierce is mistaken in implication. I humbly submit that it is inaccurate to make such a statement of all ritualistic traditions, and ludicrous to imply that ritualism (or, for that matter, systematic theology) has a monopoly on such things.
Tactician, n. A man skilled in the methods of persuasion most devoid of tact.
Talk, v. To exercise the strongest muscle in the body.
Taoism, n. A tradition in Chinese thought dating back to approximately 2500 BC. The tradition began as a profound philosophical system originated by Lao Tzu. From that point, it continually devolved until it finally became a generic pagan religion, complete with gods, priests, temples, altars, complicated rituals, a calendar of holy days, and everything else necessary to make a complete antithesis of all that made the tradition interesting in the first place. Much like Christianity.
Technicolor Yawn, n. The best response to the OJ media circus.
Technology, n. (1) Any device invented and used by men [ex: a lever]. (2) A result of and substitute for modern Western civilization, empowering the evil which lies inside the human heart to achieve what it could not possibly achieve otherwise.
Teflon, n. One of few plastic resins which is actually more chemically stable (and thus less biodegradable) than polystrene plastic or foam (Styrofoam). The difference between the two is that Styrofoam can be recycled into rice cakes.
Telemarketer, n. Someone who believes one of the most annoying and offensive invasions of privacy to make a customer better disposed towards a company.
Such a man would expect a bucket thrown into the ocean to yield cold and pure drinking water. Such a man would expect a thistle to yield figs. Such a man would expect a hornet to create honey.
Such a man would expect a soldier, using violence and intimidation at a superior capacity to destroy, to achieve the manifest presence of love, understanding, and respect for the rights and needs of others which is called justice and peace.
Like a eunuch trying to take a girl's virginity is someone who attempts to achieve justice through force.
-Jesus Ben Sirach
(Search & Sitemap)
> Writing >
Satire >
Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
Skip Back
Previous
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
Next
Skip Forward
Printer-Friendly Version