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Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
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Canada, n. See Northern Wastes.
Canadian, adj. and n. An anti-American American.
Capital Punishment, n. A form of sentence found in the most dangerous of first world nations, used by the government to intimidate criminals who have been taught that violence is the way to solve their problems.
Category Mistake, n. An assumption embodied in an inappropriate question, inquiring about an undefined attribute, such as, "Is yellow square or round?", "Is the doctrine of the Trinity calm or excited?", or "What was the point of that speech?"
Catholic, adj. and n. United, universal. Hence the Nicaene Creed, shared in common by nearly all believers, says "I believe in one holy Catholic and Apostolic Church." Today the term denotes one of three distinct branches of Christianity, the other two being Orthodox and Protestant. All present believers are members of one branch and forbidden to receive communion with members of the other two.
Causality, n. The mechanism by which cause brings about effect, thoughtfully provided as a reminder to philosophers of who is in Heaven and who is on earth. The latter have responded by deciding under what bounds the former is permitted to operate.
CD, n. Compact Disc. Used to record musical works in accordance with the popular taste, the compact disc is a small, round plate made out of the same material as bulletproof windows. This is believed to be in anticipation of more sophisticated reactions to the material they contain.
Ceremonial Law, n. As established in the Pentateuch, an elaborate system of rules and regulations. Ceremonial law contained, of course, exacting detail governing the administration of rites and ceremonies, but also contained an intricate calendar of holy days, told which foods were clean and unclean, talked about objects which were consecrated and objects which were profane, described what haircuts were and weren't acceptable, and so on. Paul spoke of this in many places; in his epistle to the Colossians, he describes all of these things as shadows of the reality found in Christ. Christ nailed it to the cross, and the Church has raised it from the dead.
Chalice, n. A vessel used to hold drinks, which were sometimes augmented by various poisons.
Lady Aster (to Churchill): Winston Churchill, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your cup.
Churchill: Lady Aster, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Chaotic, adj. Embodying chaos; uncontrolled and unpredictable. A chaotic situation is one in which presence of mind is good and absence of body is better.
Checks-and-balances, n. A system of government with power divided between different branches, so that no one man or branch can hold too much power. This is accomplished by providing each branch with "checks" on the power of others, to maintain a "balance", in order that (once the government has grown sufficiently corrupt) the amount of good that one honest man can inflict is kept within tolerable bounds.
Cheese, n. The most important ingredient in good pizza and successful television programming.
Childproof Cap, n. A safety device preventing parents from opening certain containers without their children's assistance.
Chivalry, n. A time-honored code of conduct which, at a time when most men treated women as chattels, demanded as central to a man's honor that women be accorded deference, protection, and respect. Considered by modern feminism to be a bane.
Christian Contemporary Music, n. A genre of song designed primarily to impart sound teaching, such as the doctrine that we are sanctified by faith and not by good taste in music.
Christian Film, n. A mode of expressing Christian doctrine which uses the same essential communication strategy as hard-core pornography, in that the form of storytelling leaves nothing to the imagination but the plot.
Christian Science, n. A system of doctrines with a name carefully chosen, word by word, in honor of the accuracy with which it describes the world.
Christmas, n. A yearly holiday celebrating the coming of the chief Deity of Western civilization: Mammon.
Church, n. An early substitute for America and the GOP.
Circular Definition, n. A definition which is circular.
Civilization, n. The state of living where people abide in cities rather than roam planes, conferring a respect for the value of human life not found among savages.
Reporter (To Gandhi): Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Classic, n. A work which everybody wants to have read but nobody wants to read.
Closed-Minded, adj. Possessing a mind which, like a pipe sealed on both ends, does not permit ideas to enter and leave. Contrasted with an open mind, which permits ideas to flow, like water through a pipe, entering and exiting without leaving any trace. There is perhaps a third prospect, of weighing and examining most ideas against a higher standard to grab firm hold of what is meritorious and worth keeping and reject what is twisted and mistaken, but this idea does not occur sufficiently often to merit its own word. Promoting open-mindedness is perhaps the single greatest achievement of current thought.
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.
-Thomas Carlyle
Coconut, n. Positive proof that plant life has been affected by the Fall. See also: Pistachio, Cashew.
Coffeehouse, n. A location symbolic of the fake intellectual scene, where people sit over a cup of coffee and talk about how open-minded they think they are.
Coin, n. The smallest unit of currency. The coin generally bears something symbolic of the nature and perspective of the people who create it -- what they value, what they think of. The highest coin in the United States bears a picture of a human being; the highest coin in Canada bears the image of a loon.
Coincidence, n. In television, a kind of event that happens to happen as often as people need it to.
Collateral Damage, n. Blood that flows like a river.
Comedian, n. An entertainer possessing every faculty relevant to amusement save the ability to be funny.
Commentary, n. A multivolume explanation of the meaning of a book, chapter, or (occasionally) single verse, such as Ecclesiastes 6:11.
Commitment, n. [N.B.: definition pending upon completion of a search for relationships which are not viewed as temporary and disposable]
Committee, n. The divine model of speedy application of resources to the point of need.
For God so loved the world, that he formed a committee, that whosoever attendeth on it should not perish, but have everlasting life in which to await a decision.
-The Unauthorized Version
Common Sense, n. An exceedingly uncommon commodity.
Communist, n. One of the money changers Jesus drove out of the temple.
Company, n. The associations a person is seen with, as a reflection of character. Keeping good company is one area where many Christians have gone above and beyond the example of Christ.
Computer Error, n. The juxtaposition of at least two purely human errors, one of which is attributing the problem to the computer.
Congress, n. A body of men whose sole purpose in existence is to pile law upon law upon law.
The fundamental belief embodied in this philosophy is that a nation at peace with itself is ordered and held together, not by love and true religion, nor by honor and morality, nor even by a minimal attempt to act according to Confucious's simple words, "Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you," but rather by the brute force of edicts issued by the sovereign.
Therefore, when the nation was first formed, and not only did held together but actually built itself up by leaps and bounds, the legislators believed it their duty to create laws. When the nation's growth began to slow and problems to increase, the legislators believed it their duty to attempt to improve the situation by creating laws. And now, as the nation is crumbling, when it is common for a mere child to carry a .45 caliber handgun because he does not feel safe at school, it is by the force of tax laws hundreds of pages long and penal codes which the lawmakers themselves could not hope to read that the legislature seeks to stem the ever advancing tide of chaos.
The greater the number of laws and enactments, the greater the number of thieves and robbers.
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
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