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Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
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Idiot box, n. An ingenious device which stimulates the senses and bypasses sense.
Ignore, v. To imitate American Christianity's treatment of the Biblical teachings on wealth.
Illustration, n. In childrens' Bibles, an iconoclast's depiction of important Bible characters and stories. The difference between an illustration and an icon is that the illustration is not venerated, and with good reason. Illustrations recall characteristic moments from important stories by representing the characters involved. By so doing, they teach many important truths, the first and foremost of which is that Jesus was white.
Incoherent, adj. Lacking internal consistency; muddled and confused. An account is said to be incoherent if no sane person could hope to make sense of it. Incoherence dates back to the result of the attempt to build the Tower of Babel, as recorded in the book of Genesis:
And they said to one another, "Come, let us make bricks, and burn them thoroughly." And they had brick for stone, and bitumen for mortar. Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth."
The Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which mortals had built. And the Lord said, "Look, they are one people, and they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down, and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another's speech."
And there was Kuhn.
-The New Revised Nonstandard Version
Incompetent, adj. Very well paid.
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't do -- teach.
Those who can't teach -- administrate.
Those who can't administrate -- do it anyway.
-Author(s) unknown.
Incongruity, n. The basis for modern life.
Indescribable, adj. About to be given a very poor description.
Indicator, n. A kind of marker which, when measured or examined by a competent observer, will reveal more macroscopic information about a system. In ecology, certain species are very sensitive to environmental conditions; thus their population serves as a good indicator of the health of an ecosystem -- such as red algae.
In the early days of aerial warfare, engineers understood and appreciated the delicate balance between armor and agility. They devised airplanes as best they could, and then observed the results of combat in order to make a more effective machine.
In order to accomplish this, they had a life sized picture of an airplane. Every time an airplane came back from combat, they would place a dot on the picture corresponding to each bullet hole. By so doing, they hoped to discern exactly where the most damage was sustained, and thus intelligently place armor as effectively as possible.
It was eventually noted that there were no dots over the fuel tank.
Inefficient, adj. Resembling the methods and practices currently in use.
Infallible, adj. Not subject to doctrinal error. It is believed by Catholics that the Pope is infallible, which is absurd; no single man is infallible except for me.
Infest, v. For something foreign to enter an organism and cause it to rot. For example, meditation, a practice of Eastern religions, has been carried to the west in the degenerate form of New Age. The abhorrent activity is beginning to infest nearly all facets of Christianity, and is rumored to penetrate even the purity of the Early Christians.
Inflammable, adj. Flammable.
Inhuman, adj. Acting without a shred of human decency; demonic; resembling the soldiers (and civilians) we are destroying in the current war.
Inn, n. In former times, a precursor to the modern hotel.
Once upon a time, a wayfarer came upon an in bearing a sign, "Inn of Saint George and Ye Dragon." He knocked upon the door, and the matron came out.
"Pray have mercy on a poor and weary traveller beset by bandits. I've got no silver, but I can sing or tell a tale."
"I care not about the woes of a filthy ragamuffin. Begone." With these words, she threw a rotten apple at him, slamming shut the door.
He began to walk away, paused in thought, and at last returned, once again lifting the heavy knocker.
"What?"
"May I please speak with Saint George?"
-Reader's Digest
Innumerate, adj. Lacking in basic mathematical (number) skills, just as 'illiterate' refers to someone lacking basic reading (letter) skills. The latter is recognized as a severe handicap and fought accordingly; the former is accepted because thinking hurts. There are three types of people in America: those who remember rudimentary mathematical skills, and those who have forgotten them.
In Parentis Loco, n. See Loco.
Inquisition, n. A systematic attempt to remove heretics by executing heresy.
Insomniac, n. One most prepared to appreciate the most prominent quality of the Lord of the Rings.
Institutionalized Food Service, n. A special case in which the law of gravity is reversed: what goes down must come up.
Intel, n. The company that put the 'backwards' into 'backwards compatibility.'
International Law, n. Law that is violated in multiple countries instead of just one.
Intimidation, n. In American diplomatic theory, the basis for cultural sensitivity and achievement of understanding.
Westley (to gatekeeper): "Where is the gate key?"
Gatekeeper: "There is no gate key."
Westley (to Fezzik): "Fezzik, tear his arms off."
Gatekeeper: "Oh, you mean this gate key."
Intuition, n. A means of thought thought to be proven useless by logical people because it has not been rigorously proven according to logical methods.
Journalist, n. One engaged in the pursuit and obscurement of important facts.
Jury, n. A group of peers selected to render judgment, on a basis of inability to identify with any of the involved parties.
Kinder and Gentler, adj. Crueler and harsher.
It is obviously evil to beat or molest a child. What is less obvious, an ever so sweetly disguides sadism, consists in a manner of parenting that is always pleasant and rosy.
The basis for parenting is love, and a child is not a punching bag to scream at or hit after a bad day. It is wrong to strike a child in anger, and a spanking can only be right if it is more painful to the parent than the child.
That being true, a parent who is loving and wise must chastise and administer painful discipline as a tool of correction. He who fails to do this raises a child who is spoiled.
This child will not understand consequence on anything more than an immediate physical level; he will not burn himself by placing his hand on a hot stove only because his parents lack the power to make the action painless. In all other areas -- conduct towards other people, thievery, promiscuity -- he will do whatever seems most attractive at the moment. The belief that some things are worth a wait, or the idea of action bearing consequence, especially a delayed consequence that does not come by physical mechanism, is a foreign concept. And so, when the child could be entering into life, he is instead trapped in the abyss of self.
This present lexicographer wonders how long it will be until those under the 'kinder and gentler' mindset will be told to go to Hell -- not by man, but by God.
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Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
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